


Ultra-Generic Homestuck Fanfiction

by hujgup



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-12-06 20:50:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hujgup/pseuds/hujgup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>so the kids n the trolls get 2getehr and nobody is dead and there will be ships</p>
<p> ((This work is a parody (or close to one, anyway) based on works with greater than 1000 hits and less than 50 kudos. As such, some elements may be difficult to understand. Be aware this may be deliberate.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ultra-Generic Homestuck Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

> plz enjoy and dont forget to like comment and subscribe for more videos from me  
> ((Thanks to my betas, redrobin~, roxy-lahonl and caitsidious for proofreading this and giving me feedback; it was greatly appreciated.))

==> Be John.

John Egbert sat in a chair. He was consuming Gushers and enjoying them thoroughly, savouring their texture and drinking them down once they melted. He started to eat the cardboard container they arrived in, but Dave interrupted him by entering the room.

yo sup  
hey dave  
you didnt answer the question  
whaaaaaaaat? that never used to be a question  
well now it is  
suck it up egderp  
also i am homo for you  
dave i am not a homosexual  
but i am homo for you too  
really?  
yes, really

Just as they were about to engage in a bout of passionate kissing on a couch that John was somehow now adjacent to, Karkat strides into the room.

HEY FUCKASSES  
yo sup  
hey karkat!  
ALL OF YOU SHUT YOUR PROTEIN RECEPTICLES  
I HAVE IMPORTANT NEWS  
is it that ur bangin tz  
blackways  
...  
YES  
i knew it  
i am the master of deduction  
it is me  
hahaha!  
BUT THAT IS NOT THE ONLY NEWS  
I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT I AM A TROLL  
youre only just figuring this out  
yeah karkat, i thought it was pretty obvious!  
SHUT UP  
IM NOT VERY OBSERVANT

Karkat, upset by his friend's insulting attitude, got up and began to storm towards the doorway, but ran into Rose, who was trying to enter. He fell over and hit his head on an inexplicably placed chin-up bar.

yo sup  
Greetings Strider. I detect you're still "rocking" the bifocals. (*swoon*)  
hey karkat even lalonde wants the d  
SHUT UP FUCKASS  
Nevertheless, I just want the public to apperceive that I made firm the horrorterrors while you all were sacked out.   
...   
...   
...   
Oh yes, your eagle eyes are very telling. I can tell you want to hark more. Very well, I shall commence.   
It all instituted aft in 4th grade, when I had to endow a presentation on the concept of global warming. Naturally, as I am so smart and brainy, I transcended each person in the colloquium; this was ostensibly a reprobate thing, as the exponent schlepped me aside after the generality had culminated to have a "friendly cat to me".  
He began going on about how I made the auxiliary juveniles look and feel fallacious, and I told him I didn't care what they envisaged me as.   
He said that I was to get detention at the bound of that axial rotation cycle, and for all the axial rotation cycles that week, to contemplate what I'd compassed, and the moral implications of those procedures.   
On the third day the custodian passed out, to this day I'm still not sure why, and I absconded out of the constructed dwelling, stealing his wallet on my way out.   
Now accredited with the alluring product that is wampum, I slated for the proximate Burger King, which, by the way Dave, is in fact less than 45 minutes from my residence.   
couldve fooled me ms waterfall house  
also are you going to stfu anytime soon  
Directive declined.   
kay  
Anyway, that's when I saw her. She appeared mystic, wispy, phasing in and out of continuance at random intervals. I thought I was hallucinating, so I reached out to palpate her.   
That's when I fell into an alternate dimension, where soon I was appropriated by some aliens whose lineaments looked suspiciously like Jamie Farr. They extracted my intramural organs, replaced them with synthetics, and complimented me on my proficiency in athletics. They felt kind of melancholy, so they offered to send me back at any point in history that I would care to go.   
So I had them send me back to last Thursday eventide so I could remind my mother to pay the phone bill on time.   
That caused a time anomaly. The disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling something, but I couldn't hear him over the sound of the universe unravelling around me. That's when I saw them for the first time. 

A buzzing noise starts coming from Rose's pocket. She peeks in and makes a face. That face is pure, 100% genuine annoyance. 

I must abscond now. I have much to fortify before my next bout of fucking.   
...   
...   
...   
WHAT JUST HAPPENED

Rose absconds into the night, and John begins to chase after her when a grey hand stopped him.

EGBERT STOP YOUR ABSURD HUMAN BALANCE STICKS THIS INSTANT AND LISTEN TO ME  
karkat, what do you want?   
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW  
yes?   
I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU  
yes?   
I JUST WANTED TO SAY  
...yes?   
out with it  
IM FLUSHED FOR YOU  
...   
ok! 

 John grabs Karkat's waist and pulls him in closer, engaging him in Troll/Human sloppy makeouts while Dave tries to join in on the action.

==> Vriska: Manipul8.

Suddenly Karkat freezes up. Dave takes the opportunity to push him off John so he has unobstructed access to his mouth. He kisses long and hard when all of a sudden the noise of the air-conditioning turning off is heard. Dave turns around while John keeps kissing his ear. Karkat is trying to eat the air-conditioner.

yo sup  
*NOM NOM NOM*  
you uh  
need any help

Karkat shakes his head.

ok then  
ill just be over here  
kissing john  
peace out

Karkat was just about to peace out when the ceiling collapsed. They all got inundated in small pieces of debris, with the larger chunks thankfully defying gravity and floating upwards. John took a break from exploring Dave's ear canals to look up.

A tall figure was standing above him, taller than anything he'd ever seen.

Heeeeeeeey John!

It was Vriska.

==> Vriska: Have a flashback.

There is no need for a flashback, you can just remember what happened instead.

You stood on the edge of a sea-cliff with Terezi and Nepeta, admiring the view. Or rather, you would have been admiring the view if the fog would lift. Terezi made a disgruntled noise and turned around to head back to the car.

1 DONT UND3RST4ND WHY W3 H4D TO COM3 4LL TH1S W4Y TO 4DM1R3 TH3 FOG  
W3 COULD H4V3 DON3 TH4-  
V4444H! 

Terezi made a short noise of bewilderment before she disappeared into the ground.

==> Be Future Terezi.

You are Future Terezi and you are being thrown out of what feels like a sauna by a strange hot-chilli man with Aradia's horns, while he yells something about horses in cars, and people from video games you've never heard of.

==> Be Vriska.

You peeked into the hole and were hit in the face by a flying Terezi. You and her tumbled backwards into Nepeta and you all rolled off the cliff, landing on a not-at-all suspiciously placed awning, leading into a cave.

==> Fast forward memory.

You stood on a pedestal in a corner of a large triangular room. Terezi and Nepeta stood on identical platforms in the other corners. A platform started to rise up in the centre and you stepped off, throwing a large rock onto the column to trick the pressure sensor. You placed yourself on the ornate-looking column and were immediately blinded by an intense light. Terezi and Nepeta made odd noises and their voices disappeared. You pass out.

==> Vriska: Stop having a flashback.

It w8sn't a flashback!

==> Be someone less bratty.

You are now present John. Perfect; much simpler.

hi vriska!                              
John, there's 8een something on my mind.   
oh? what is it?   
John, I'm flushed for you.   
you too? i must be the most popular kid in school

For no apparent reason, Vriska decides to reached down and picked up the remains of the room, carrying John, Karkat (who was too busy with the air-conditioner to notice) and Dave up to her eye level.

yo sup  
so youre a giant now  
thats pretty chill i guess  
but do you know whats more chill  
ice cold like a polar bear in mating season  
like so far into mating season that shell start to hump the air at random intervals and cause everyone to do the harlem shake  
skydiving without a parachute  
peace out

Dave, nodding a farewell to Karkat, does an Acrobatic Fucking Pirouette off the building and glides down Vriska's jacket, bounding off her kneecap and swan-dives into the ocean. Vriska picks him out of the ocean and puts him back into the room with the others. At this point Karkat finishes eating the air-conditioner and seems to snap out of something.

DOES IT SEEM CHILLY TO ANY OF YOU BULGELICKERS  
nope  
HUH  
WEIRD  
(hehehehe) 

==> Vriska: Pick up John.

OK, you do that and give John the biggest kiss of his entire human life. He tries to kiss back but accidentally pushes too hard and falls into your mouth. He tumbles down your throat and into your stomach.

==> Be John.

OH H3LLO M1ST3R SHOPK33P3R  
I R3QU1R3 4 J4RS OF HUM4N M4YONN41S3  
terezi im not a shopkeeper and this isnt a shop! this is vriskas stomach!   
OH  
W3LL 1 GU3SS TH4T 3XPL41NS TH3 SM3LL  
JOHN D1D YOU KNOW 1M BL1ND  
yes terezi, we all know that  
H3H3H3H3H3

==> Be Dave.

You are Dave Strider and you are trying to make love to an air-conditioner lodged inside one of your friends. Now probably isn't the best time.

==> Be Vriska.

You are Vriska Serket and you are panicking over ingesting your flush-crush. Now probably isn't the best time.

==> Be Rose.

You cannot be Rose. She is too boring.

==> Be an OC.

Your name is Bob Vantas and you are the brother of Karkat. You are busy trying to ski down a mountain, upside-down, on a bicycle, in summer, while holding a fire extinguisher in one hand and a lobster in the other.

You realise just how horrid this idea really was about 0.2 seconds before you hit the tree.

You are dead.

==> Disembody your awareness.

You're not really sure if that's a thing you can do, but you do it anyway.

Bob's body splits in two and fall into two identical slots on either side of the tree. On an adjacent slope, Roxy Lalonde is skiing in a much more snowy, less bicycle-infused environment when a passage opens up in front of her. Lacking the time to dodge, she catapults into it, suddenly realising there isn't a floor beneath her. She passes out.

When she wakes up, she is surrounded by women in lab coats and strapped to a table. Her hungover brain can't deal with this, so she passes out again.

==> Be Future Roxy.

Commander, ma'am! 

You wake feeling hungover and collapsey. You roll onto your side and see a man in a uniform standing over you.

*hic* yesssshhhhh?   
We are in range of the enemy destroyer.   
...yessshhhhh?   
Do you want us to open fire ma'am?   
yeeeesss.   
Thank you, ma'am. 

The ship (is that where you are?) shudders under you and you trip over your own legs. The last thing you see is a white streak impacting a distant dot, followed by an explosion. You slip into the realm of dreams.

==> Go back to being John, in the present.

It's been 5 hours since you fell into Vriska's stomach and you're growing bored. Terezi is too, constantly taking scrapings off the stomach walls and chewing on them, before swallowing and commenting on cluckbeasts.

A valve opens up at the lowest point of the stomach. You and Terezi investigate.

whats through there?   
TH4T 1S TH3 S4CR3D 3NT3R4NC3 TO TH3 HOLY 1NT3ST1N4L TR4CT  
1 4M UNWORTHY OF B3HOLD1NG 1TS M4GN1F1C3NC3  
should we go in?   
SUR3 WHY NOT

You jump into the hole, closely followed by Terezi.

weeeeee!   
H4H4H4H4H4

You land on a bed of little sticky-out bead things. What are those things called anyway? You don't have time to entertain that thought because Terezi is picking you up and leading you down the intestine.

2 hours and a lot of walking, climbing and scaling later you reach what you think is the end; but since when have things ever been simple? It turns out to just be an opening to a wider piece of intestine, one that goes straight up for what seems like forever.

well thats just great! what now?   
NOW W3 CL1MB  
well duh, that's option a, but is there anything else we could do instead? my arms are tired and feel like theyre going to fall off  
NO TH3R3 1S NO OTH3R OPT1ON  
W3 MUST 4SC3ND TH3 S4CR3D W4LLS 4ND TH3N D3SC3ND TH3 S4CR3D OTH3R W4LL  
wait, whats that noise? 

The body around you vibrates, as if an earthquake suddenly struck. You become dizzy and the walls look like they're closing in on you.

You realise that the walls are closing in on you.

terezi what's going on?   
W3 W3R3 TOO L3TH4RG1C  
TH3 GR34T SHR1NK1NG H4S BEGUN  
what???????? 

There's not enough room to move anymore. You're squished against Terezi as the walls of the intestine start ripping. A scream of intense pain can be heard.

ooh! i just had the greatest idea!   
C4N 1 H3LP  
sure why not

==> Be Vriska.

You are Vriska Serket and you are shrinking.

Your arms are growing weaker and you have to put down the room, tearing your eyes from the odd, yet strangely fascinating spectacle Dave is performing with Karkat. You feel a great pressure build up in your gut; it feels like someone is making mince-meat of your insides.

88888888uuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Your stomach feels so full. How can anyone be this full? You lie down, still shrinking as your skin starts to bulge and tear. You don't have a voice anymore; you are in too much pain to think properly. Your belly rips open to reveal the heads of John and Terezi, each looking around quizzically. You're in too much shock to do anything, so you just watch. John lets out an inhuman screech; he and Terezi then dart out of your open wound and scurry on all fours past Dave and Karkat, behind one of the walls on the far side of the room. You hear Dave call out

john im dumping you for this lovely appliance  
just fyi

 The shock wears off and you stand, blood everywhere, but it's not like it's mattered in the past. You walk past Dave and Karkat, nodding slightly to him as he reaches into Karkat's mouth to fondle the air-conditioner. You hear him mutter

i love the feel of your casing baby doll

At this point you decide to stop listening and peek around the corner to see John and Terezi laughing like maniacs.

TH4T W4S 4M4Z1NG JOHN  
YOU R34LLY 4R3 TH3 PR4NK1NG M4ST3R  
what prank? that was just a scene from an awesome movie! ooh! next we should do the bit where sigourney weaver throws the alien out of the airlock and fries it with the engines!   
TH4T T4ST3S L1K3 TH3 GR34T3ST ID34 S1NC3 S3GM3NT3D GRUBLO4F

John and Terezi high-five each other and laugh some more. Now that you've recovered, you can see how it was pretty hilarious. You'll have to get John to show you that movie some time.

Your train of thought is interrupted by a real train rolling past you at a speed that seems to be entirely too slow. You start to wonder what sort of drugs the driver is on, but that thought is interrupted by a chunk of destroyer entering the atmosphere, creating a massive ball of fire even brighter than the sun.

It's coming straight for you.

You dive out of the way just as it slams into the diesel locomotive, sending both it and the space junk (now smaller and in more pieces) up in a ball of flames. Another ship descends out of the sky (in a much more controlled manner) and lands next to the wreckage. A figure falls out of a hatch below the cockpit.

sooooo  
whatd i miss  
*hic*


End file.
